I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
