i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
