So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
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Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
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Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome