Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?