her vagina looked like bernie madoff
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
