I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."