He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him