We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear