dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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