he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
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she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
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He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.