Got a toothbrush?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.