fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i drank out of a bidet.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
