We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
