I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
