Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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