i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
