you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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