there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
