Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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