We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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