I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just want to make out with him forever
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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