When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
