we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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