I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
