No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
