How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
