Tell her she can't have a vagina
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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