I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
