I could make wine with my vomit
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
