I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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