Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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