At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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