i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Randomize
