Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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