I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
