girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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