If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
