Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
