He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
