1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
