i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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