Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
