Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
