we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
