yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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