I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
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