he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
