You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
