We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
