she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
