Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
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Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
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Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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