My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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