He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
