Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
