Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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