Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
