I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
