Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
