my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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