my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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