How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
